Prologue: It Confounds Logic …

It confounds logic. How does someone who was raised in a God-fearing home not fear God? How does someone raised by an abstinence counselor not abstain? How does someone sheltered from so many degrading aspects of our culture slip the protection to go wallow in the degradation?

 If I knew the answers to each of these question, and moreover, how to keep these things from happening, I’d be publishing a book on the sovereign parent’s 12-step plan to raising your kids right … but we aren’t sovereign and we aren’t saviors … we’re parents … and God is the only one who ignites the fire in our kids’ hearts to love and obey Him. We can do everything right and the truth may still appear to elude them, so what’s the answer, and where’s the logic?

God is the only answer and He is the only logic.

“But God was merciful! We were dead because of our sins, but God loved us so much that he made us alive with Christ, and God’s wonderful kindness is what saves you. God raised us from death to life with Christ Jesus, and he has given us a place beside Christ in heaven.” [Ephesians 2:5-6, contemporary English version]

 Two weeks ago, I posted “Chapter I” on how the Lord first prepared my heart to meet my future husband.  Posting that story was also the kick-off of a much bigger endeavor — my story.  Or rather, God’s story …

 Two pink lines. The test was really just a formality. I’d known what it was going to tell me, yet my hands shook, disbelief raced through my brain. Is it possible to know something and be shocked by it at the same time?

Pregnant.

I was almost incapable of thought.

The words were a sing-song chant in my brain: “How did this happen? How did this happen? How did this happen?”

I could count on both hands the people who were aware of this man’s existence in my life, and I only needed one hand to count the people who knew that he was more than a friend.

How did this happen to me?

Compromise.  When there is rebellion towards truth, boundaries are no longer necessary because everything appears relative, and selfishness, bitterness, and every other vice easily push aside whatever moral resistance should have been in place.

Days passed. I didn’t want to tell him. This couldn’t possibly go well and I had no answers to this problem, but it was the right thing to do. He deserved to know.

“Hey, we need to talk. Can I stop by?”  Such a long car ride.  What do I say?

I’m pregnant. There, the words were out. 

While there is relatively little of this conversation I recall, I do remember the litany of insults … one doesn’t usually forget those.

Was I scheming?

Was this a grand plot to get him to speak of marriage?  No, I thought.  I don’t want to marry you.  It was all wrong.

It’s funny how all that was so fun and seemingly mature was suddenly stripped away in a true crisis.  The adult was gone and in his place was an angry, selfish man-child.  …the first of many moments when I realized how totally blind I’d been.

More questions … Was this black-mail? How could I do that to him? And then, the final verdict … head in hands, crouched as if someone had just kicked him in the stomach, he uttered,“You have to abort it.”

Me:  Don’t ask me to do that, please. I don’t think it’s right. It goes against everything I’m about! For goodness’ sake, it goes against everything you say you’re about!

Him:  You have to do this!  There is no other option.

Me:  Don’t tell me that … as if I don’t know that already!  But my family … your family, especially your mother… nobody believes abortion is right.

Him:  Don’t talk to me about my mother! With this action, you have brought her one step closer to her grave.

Me:  Alright!  Fine!  I’ll consider it.

More accusations … more argument … no conclusions.

Finally, emotionally spent, we decide that we’ll talk in a few days …

 And still, the constant litany in my brain … but now, a different phrase; “What am I going to do?”

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    what a post, I so appreciate it and your honesty. I wish I could have you tell your story to the high school girls I work with.

    • http://brevisdictus.wordpress.com Ellie

      Thank you, Kacie. I wish I could too — it’s a passion of mine to speak to women about getting accountability in relationships LONG before they get to the point I detailed above. Hey, this is God’s story, not mine, and I am happy to pass it on, so please feel free to send the link to anyone you want! I’m hoping to continue to post more chapters over the coming weeks.

  • Monica

    Praise God for His faithfulness to us, Ellie. And thank you for sharing your story. Isn’t God the Ultimate Recycler, using our sin and rebellion for our good and His glory? I remember those dark days well from your Mom’s perspective, and I can tell you, that I’ve shared your story with others who needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness to us, and He used your story to comfort and convict those that I’ve shared it with. You have been a faithful example of His redeeming work, dear sister. I praise Him every time I see you and your precious family!!

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  • http://www.mobabyhomeslice.blogspot.com Maureen

    Wow, Ellie! I really respect and admire you putting your story out in the open like this. It’s gut-wrenching!

  • Russell Kaufman

    Ellie, I read this because your question is my question. By God’s grace, I am concerned about the answer in the hopes I can learn from it, then share it and, hopefully, spare others of deep hurt. Thank you for your words. God bless you. He is wonderful.

    • Bob

      Pastor Kaufman, thanks for reading the blog! There have been many people that have been touched by Ellie’s testimony, and we hope that God will continue to use it for his glory!

      How’s life in AZ? What are you up to these days?